Here are my five ways to ensure your dress will not fit you. This is meant to be light hearted and ease your worries… your dress is gonna look perfect!
1. Decide you want to be like Dolly! Who doesn’t love Dolly Parton? And if you love Dolly you probably also love her blessings from the plastic surgeon. Now if you go visit that man who gave her those blessings, in hope to look as great as her… your dress wont fit…
2. Get an all back tattoo - Ok now I will admit you will still probably fit in to your dress if you do this. But lets be honest, a back piece freshly done is not the most flattering thing to be seen on the bride, it will make it look like you don’t fit in your dress....
3. Eat the entire old country buffet. They claim to have the best buffet food in America. With a wide variety of food stations, and five ways of cooking just shrimp they are sure to have plenty of food for your belly. But if you eat a something of everything, just a warning, YOU WON’T FIT. There is just no way. Your belly will become Santa clause immediately and we will have to get you a red coat to wear next Friday.
4. Be a tester for the new reality series “honey we shrunk the bride.” I know that it probably sounds tempting to try since as a child you probably always wanted to spend a day discovering nature from the size of an ant. But let me warn you. Your dress wont shrink with you, just you. So your dress won’t fit.
5. Take your dress to a seamstress who’s main job is fitting midgets. Now the top will probably still look stunning if you do this, but the bottom portion…well..it will vanish before it is return to you. The manikin your dress is being placed on is only about 2.5 feet shorter than you, so your booty will not be showing thanks to your discount midget seamstress. So in other words…your dress won’t fit.
Now...go try on your dress and realize it fits perfectly!!